I had, from a very young age, an acute awareness of the finality of beautiful moments, mourning their loss even before the unforeseeable ending arrived.  It is with this sense of loss that drives me to fully soak up every moment, grab on tightly until it is beyond my power to be able to hold on any longer.  So, even in the most joyous of moments, a looming melancholy is interwoven with a soft whisper from Father Time saying, “Carpe Diem.”

It is one of the driving forces of our human experience, this awareness of our mortality, our fragile existence.  It’s the unknown that comes tapping at the door of our future and the only guarantee we have is in this present moment and what has already past.  No matter how hard we try to take control of it, demand from it, argue with it… we are led blind folded down its corridors, only being able to see the ground in which we stand upon, and that, in and of itself, could be pulled out from underneath of us at any moment.

We all find ways to handle life’s unknowns and this can create many different outcomes, reactions, and even mold the very core of who we are. We create our stories, make our plans, set our goals to try to ultimately make the unknowable, knowable.  We can not however know it, no guarantees of outcomes.  We can guide it and try to contain it the best we know how but there we sit powerless.  Forced to stay present, all while, our minds can tease and torment us with all the possible outcomes of our future.

As I age, I think I have become more accepting of it, maybe, or more able to brace myself for the fluctuating tides of the unknown.  I know it is one of the biggest struggles of my life to accept the unknowable.  I like feeling in control of my own fate, having guarantees and not feeling vulnerable to unpredictable chaos.  It is like trying to steer a raft out in the middle of an ocean with no paddles and no compass, waiting for the stars to guide me.  How desperately we try to find out our fates, going to great extremes to find out all the answers… we want truth, the meaning of all life!  Yet it is not given. “The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of.”  Shakespeare always says it best!

Throughout human history we have come up with many coping mechanisms to handle the unknowns (explanations to our Whys) to try to keep our minds away from death and the finale of all things.  Religions, Dogmas, Societies all play roles in this.  I do not deny that it is comforting to think that the unknown is not just full on chaos, randomness, but is controlled by some higher forces and purpose.  Perhaps there is truth and signs of something more, a God or Gods, what have you.  There are thousands of ideas going back to the beginning.   Regardless of what one believes, it is still unknown and very little fact and more theoretical.

I will always continue to search and learn, be a seeker.  I think the key is to find a psychological balance between the known and unknown (yin and yang).  Finding peace in not knowing and gracefully releasing control of the uncontrollable.  Not to be fearful of change or the the potential for chaos, but find strength, perhaps even beauty in the mystery of the unknown.  I want to be in a daily mindset to live present.  Shutting off, at times, the prefrontal cortex where the voice of worry or the inner critic exists.  Getting into a flow state of presence, love, patients, understanding and acceptance of what life brings me moment by moment.  I want to learn to use fear to help mold me into the best version of myself.  I want to reflect more on the present moment not the fantasies of the future (worry less, and laugh harder). The unknown is a chance to be transformed. Embrace it!

 

 

Butterflies have always been fascinating to me.  Their journey from caterpillar to cocoon to finally a butterfly.  Yes they are colorful and beautiful insects, that clinchingly attract many girls and women alike.  Yes, I am one of them.  But, for me, it was more about their struggle through transformation into something grander.  How very symbolic are these insects to life… a reminder that through struggle we can become transformed, through chaos be taken to new heights, like precious metal be refined by fire.

At its start, as a caterpillar, it prepares itself for the upcoming changes… eating and fattening itself up, gaining strength for the trials ahead.  But here is where things get interesting, there is a hormone called the juvenile hormone that acts to delay metamorphosis throughout the whole larva stage.  This hormone is essential to the caterpillar’s survival prior to transformation.  The lack of this hormone triggers the cells to change.  If this occurs before the caterpillar is ready, it will not survive.  Instead, it is programmed to lower its levels of this hormone at the perfect moment of readiness.  It will then be overwhelmed by the changes occurring, cells multiplying, struggling until it finally accepts the inevitable change.

In the cocoon, it will completely dissolve and be liquified inside. Everything it once was, how it behaved, what it ate, completely eliminated.  Then the brilliance of nature or God reveals itself, totally transformed.  The colors of it’s struggles are revealed, distinctly unique like a human fingerprint or the iris of an eye.  Once crawling and eating leaves to now flying to great heights, sucking on sweet nectar. One can easily draw many parallels of our human experience to this magnificent insect.

I feel like my life has gone into this process several times.  Each time I go into a cocoon or in reality “times of reflection” or moments of chaos… Life gives me opportunities in the break down, valuable gifts to push me, teach me to be the best, most colorful, strongest version of myself.  When the storms hit there is always sunshine on the other side.  Like a butterfly, I found strength in the chaos. Flying to new heights, baring my heart more fully, natural and naked.  Finding that the path of vulnerability and truth takes me to the deepest and riches parts of the human experience.

Like the caterpillar prepare yourself for the cocoon… learn, grow strong, keep your eyes wide open and prepare yourself for the storms.  They are coming!  So find your balance in the darks and lights because one does not exist without the other, and one can not appreciate the one without the other.  Life is shades of grey and embrace the vast array of colors dancing within them!  No matter how painful and tragic, life has a way of giving you the wings to overcome it and fly higher than before.  So when all hope is lost, hold out just a little longer, life is about to transform you into something magnificent.

***image above is a painting by Salvador Dali, I received a print of this from my Grandmother, who worked for the French National Railroads.  Dali was commissioned to do several works for them in 1969.  He is one of my favorite artiest.  I have this hanging in my room as I write this and it reminds me daily to open myself up to opportunities of transformation.

Pragma was a term used by Greeks to express a longstanding love. It was the type of love that could only be developed from years of commitment, patience, tolerance, and willingness to stand in love…. give over receiving.  Language can limit us in expressing our vast variety of emotions and experiences. Language can even influence how we experience the world, beliefs, learn and even how we perceive our environments. It is a very powerful influencer on cultures. Especially with a word like love, how can one word express so many feelings and levels!  I would even go as far to say, that word alone is the one thing that makes the pangs and spurns of existence… worth it.  It is love that pushes us to create, to embrace, to touch, to forgive, to give… every action worth doing was started with love.  Even if it it came from ‘love of self,’ or as the Greeks would say Philautia. This one simple word creates life. For what is life without love?

I think the Greeks were right in creating 6 words to express the 6 different types of Love… especially Pragma.  That, I think, is the richest of Loves and should be separated out from the others. It is the one type of Love that must fight the hardest to overcome the rocky winds of time, to be able to look into someone deeply and see the light and the dark complexities (the grays) and to fully embrace those complexities that make up their unique imperfect human form. I stand back and say this is true beauty, the rose with the thorns.  I am committed to who and what you are, love you unconditionally, wear the battle scars of life with you. Through that type of shared commitment to each other, love will change it’s form and reach Pragma.

My Father asked me as a young child… “Is it love that keeps a marriage together or is it commitment?” I know my Father well enough that his questions are never the obvious answers. Even being as young as I was, I knew the answer was commitment. Thankfully I was able to witness it first hand, many never get to witness Pragma.  I saw my parents followthrough on their shared commitment to fully and wholeheartedly commit to each other their entirety.  It was not easy for them, especially being from two completely different cultures, there was a lot of misunderstandings, a lot of struggle. They had the story we all want though, love at first site… to just know when you know!

My Father knew the moment my Mom walked towards him with her sunburst mismatched-colored clothing and her sideways smirk, that he was looking at his forever. It does happen, for a few lucky ones. My luck would have it that it happened to many of my family members, a lot of short engagements going back several generations. Love at first site followed by marriages lasting until their final breaths.  Yes, I come from a deeply seeded hopeless-romantic family. I’m the unusual one being still single at my age and of course I still get, “one day you will find the one,” always followed by concerned eyes.  I can only laugh and smile and say… “but of course, fairytales and unicorns exist for all.”  Mind you I know not giving up on it is half the battle.  Still with all that passion we have in us and capacity to love deeply… My parents had to overcome a lot to reach Pragma. I can say with certainty their love has reached the richness of Pragma and I know it will hold strong until the end. That question, to this day, was one of the most valuable lessons my father taught me the answer to.

This is why I have been very selective who I give my time to and why I am still single, it is by choice.  I will not settle, and what do I mean when I say settle? I want to find someone that has that same view of love and marriage, coming from commitment.  Why go into a commitment with someone that thinks it can easily be broken by feelings, not looking perfect, being imperfect, hard times, or how you don’t make them feel the trill, the rush anymore?! Commitments should never be ruled by wavering feelings. Your yes should be yes and your no should be no. Everyone needs to show up in their relationships and not wait for the other one to make the first move. We are responsible for our own actions so we must always try to take the best ones regardless of the negative actions of others.  In any transaction in life, outside of a relationship, that you commit to… we find it important to stick with it until the end. So why are we so careless with the most important commitment of your life?  All commitments should be equally honored and not gone into lightly.

I know there are a lot of random discussions that could derive from this, but I’m focusing my ideas on one conclusion… I see in our society a death to Pragma. I am trying to explore that causalities and consequences. I think by the time my generation reaches old age, there will not be many that have been married to one person their whole lives.  I think our time is distinctly different than any past eras due to technology. It has impacted relationships in all forms, in good ways and bad. I have mixed feelings about all this. Our world is ever changing and opening us up to newer and newer possibilities on how to live a single life.  I know as a woman today I can live a fulfilling life even if I decide to never marry.  I will have a variety of expressions of love that I will experience on different levels even without marriage.  I have already and I wouldn’t change any of it. But, I also know that we don’t become that butterfly until we struggle in the cocoon.  So having less and less of those types of committed life long relationships will we miss out on the greatest of love, Pragma?  What will that do to our society, I wonder, and how we treat each other and commit to relationships in all forms? Are we creating a new standard of love, a new version, and will it be detriment to us or something more positive that has yet to be explored?

I know I have a limited understanding of the world, and not fully aware of all my influences.  That said, it is a deeply routed, and a daily goal of mine to stay a ‘free spirit.’  I think Ruth Abbey (who is describing Nietzsche’s concept of a ‘Free Spirit’ in her definition), she says it best… “Autonomy in thought and action, intellectual strength and daring, desire and ability to pursue the truth, capacity for cruelty and the skills of dialogue.” So what I’m trying to say is that this is bigger than the questions I ask here and their not black and white answers.  I know every one’s life has so much complexity and we do only have one life to live, so why live with someone unhappy? I pose that maybe we are becoming more superficial, selfish and it’s less to do with unhappiness.  Maybe if we focus more on making our commitments count, thought out more carefully before we make them… perhaps then we would give it the best we’ve got every time. Fight for the best out of each other, push each other through the hard times.

I see less authenticity, less vulnerability in relationships the older I get.  I see a society swiping away Pragma. With more choices, more opportunity with dating tools the less we will fight through difficult times, imperfections. Perhaps the next swipe right will bring someone newer and better. Then they quickly discard them the moment it gets uncomfortable and vulnerable, or worse yet until they don’t fit their unrealistic view of perfection.  Also, “keeping your options open” and never allowing yourself to commit and focus on one relationship at a time, is just another way to avoid being hurt or trying to have it all. Ultimately gaining nothing and becoming vacant of love.  We are blinded by superficiality, an illusion of perfect beauty, endless filters, we’ve photoshopped our love away. Because of this, We will never reach any sort of depth of intimacy, or reach that rich deeply-seeded love that the Greeks talk about. I have found myself falling into the belief that Pragma may have already found her death.  It is hard to not lose all hope. I know I am an Idealist and a romantic. I can’t imagine living in any other frame of mind.  Although it is difficult at times and there are moments I want to become a pessimist, that the values I was raised on I won’t find in another.

This is my disclaimer: I know my weaknesses and know I may have not always chosen wisely, perhaps never.  I can say after being beaten down more than once, you can end up becoming the thing that sucked you under.  I can understand on another level now why some end up becoming the very thing they hate, live in mistrust.  I will however, learn and grow everyday to try to become stronger. To reach for higher and better out of myself and someone else. To love deeper and fight hard to keep my heart open and to not succumb to the gloom and build my walls and hide… from the greatest thing called Love

So as my rant comes to a final phase.  I say this, perfection doesn’t exist it is the dogma of our society, that many have accepted as truth.  That Perfection is reachable, that it give us more happiness, gives us fulfillment, will make us worthy of love.  That Perfection is linked with love is a falsehood altogether.  I see us linking it in all our forms of media, magazines, and internet.  There’s no escaping that daily mantra that whispers and sometimes shouts…. the more perfect you can become the more loved you will be. When vulnerability leaves a room so does love.  Vulnerability is showing our imperfections.  we can not gain lasting love without it. We are all chasing this illusion, this unreachable perfection.  This mindset is the very thing that is killing our chances to ever finding a committed lasting relationship. Instead we need to be acutely aware of humanities imperfectness, and when we do finally commit we commit to loving unconditionally. If we do not we will lose Pragma, and perhaps the very purpose for our existence to love and be loved.  To truly love someone is to love their beautiful imperfections.

I will not give up, and I hope you do not either.  If the time comes to share your life with someone or not, either way we can still carry these principles into every relationship and friendship.  If I do get married, they will have my full commitment and I will fight everyday to be the best I can be for myself and them.  As I commit to all my family and friends as well.  I will respect them, be honest, show kindness, thoughtfulness, patience, forgiveness and understanding.  Even if I don’t feel like it, I will commit to every new day to love at my best to be at my best.  I will fail many times but so will everyone else. Never stop loving and, quoting what many say, be the change you want to see in the world!   Love Love Love!

 

*Picture taken in Paris by Sacre-Coeur, during my adventures. One of my favorites on my trip that I took. Love to express ideas through my photography.  Even better, when it fits a post perfectly. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings and thanks for reading 🙂

 

 

 

I think of all the years I’ve lived 2017 will be one of the biggest chapters. What I’ve learned about myself, what I’ve experienced, the places I saw and the people I met… my world opened up in ways I could have never imagined.  Found strength inside me that I never knew I had.  Forgave myself for having self-limiting beliefs, believing that I wasn’t good enough, for not loving myself and my beautiful imperfections, not treating myself with respect and dignity, allowing others to treat me the same. Years of fighting ghosts that were self-inflicted that I allowed to haunt my mind.  Worrying about what other people would think or disappointing them or even God. So I stood at the tallest mountain and jumped. A death of self and everything I once was to be born renewed. Releasing it all by allowing myself to totally break. We try so hard to protect ourselves from the impact, fear of the unknown, fear of feeling the pain but maybe that’s the very thing we need… is to smash to the pavement, splatter everything that holds us back.

I looked back on what I wrote at the demise of 2016. I smile to myself because the very thing I asked for I received in 2017. Be careful what you ask for, ha! Fully thankful for every hard lesson, every heart break every hard punch to the face. Without it I wouldn’t have finally conquered my biggest demons. 36 years and I’m happy to finally get to this place. I know I have a lot more hard work ahead but I know I can change anything, survive anything, write whatever future I can imagine. No one can stop me but myself and I’m not getting in my way anymore. Turning NO into a million YES. I can, you can, we all can! Embrace change, embrace the fires of life, have courage.  Don’t fight the lessons that fire brings, You are being refined like precious gold and silver into something more magnificent… LOVE!

So thank you 2017 for:

The Russian who did surgery on my heart, the Opera Singer, A girl named Molly, Spiegel im Spiegel, The Model, The Judge and Jury, A beautiful Scarlett heart, A walk in the English Gardens with an amazing bearded friend, A drive through Iceland, Bruges’ Beautiful city, A coffee shop in Amsterdam, A new definition for modesty, An Irish Tour Guide, Hostels and travelers, A Freedom fighter for Biafra, A big hearted Muslim that made me laugh all night in Bruges, the hospitality and smiles of a Jew in Lyon (I’ll carry a mattress for you anytime), The dancing feet of a Spanish girl, A Chilean Party Partner in Crime (miss you), A handsome Curly Haired blunt Frenchmen that spoke the truth I needed to hear, A missed train to Marseille, An unmarked grave, the best friend I made in myself in Carcassonne, wonderful magnificent Paris, Meeting my French family and finding myself in them, For a heavenly Tunisian kiss, A philosopher in Bordeaux that taught me to Love myself and meeting his gracious hearted soulmate (dear friends for life),  A dear old friend that cares for the world to the moon and back,  A French girl on a plane, Singing Karaoke in a bar in Princeton, A Brazilian that showed me a healthy giving relationship and to listen to my gut, the books that inspired me, Positive Compounding effects, all my amazing clients, and finally my family who loves me unconditionally!

So many other memories and experiences but these were my most memorable, the ones that helped shape me and mold me, taught me lessons, changed my perspectives on the world, good and bad but all of gave me inner strength and courage.  So I will start this year with the same words that I started the last….

I want 2018 not to be easy or perfect. I want it to be hard, because I want to be pushed and shoved into the best version of myself. I want to learn to be more understanding, more empathic, more loving, more patient, more kind, more generous! I am willing to face the chaos of dark so that I can experience the bright warmth of the light. I will never give up seeking or believing that we can create something magnificent within us… but only if we reach deep within us. Fully embracing vulnerability and shaking off fear, rejection, worry of the unknown, and giving up control to experience life’s ride (ups and downs). Fully love on each other. Looking into the iris of a lover’s eye and see a glimpse of eternity. I will never settle and I will never stop fighting to find it. Je ne regrette rien!
Bring it on 2018!

I’ve always been a seeker, curious about everything that wasn’t me. Yet I knew by learning about everything outside of myself that, in turn, I would discover myself. My brain works like a puzzle. I gather piece by piece trying to fit them in place with what I already understand about the world and people. Of course, the pieces don’t always fit perfectly in place.  I examine closely, try to connect pieces, than stand back to see if I’m seeing something bigger, or if I have to start all over again. Back and forth I go until I’m standing in front of a completed puzzle, then onto the next and the next. As I go along in my life I have to make constant adjustments to these puzzles. Ive even thrown completed puzzles away after receiving new pieces that skew all the completed images I had prior.  Perhaps I’m working on one massive life puzzle with tiny ones inside of it. Im driven to understand the big WHY and the small whys of life.  Constantly examining, observing, perceiving, experiencing, and learning. Sometimes overwhelmed by it all, I then shut myself away in frustration and sleep until a new energy starts again…. saying don’t give up yet. There is still more amazing things to explore and see. People you have yet to meet.

People are my biggest fascination.  The more different they are the more interested I am. I think that’s what pulls me toward traveling and exploring the world.  It’s more about the people I’ll meet. The new versions of the world I’ll see through their eyes.  Every  new color of thought and numerous glorious perceptions of reality.  I am a people collector.  I say, I don’t have one of you yet…  Let me add you to my collection.  Love everything that you are and take from you the best parts.  Maybe even find ways to understand the imperfections in me, and make me stronger, love deeper and be more empathetic, understanding.  Put on their lenses and alter my vision to see things like they do, sometimes even try to experience things like they do.  Follow them down any rabbit hole, Like Alice, so for a moment I can experience their lives, get a taste of it.  Maybe I’ll see a better world on the other side or at least answer another unanswered question.   Perhaps this is my way of searching for God.  Maybe God shattered himself in millions of pieces and each of us carry a tiny fragment of who he is. The more I collect the more I put God together and understand who he is, what he is. The great WHY for life. “that undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns -Puzzles the will.” Indeed it’s nothing but a big constant fascinating puzzle to me. One that won’t be finished until I take that final journey.

Yet it stirs in me and turns in my thoughts and says why am I here and who am I? Like Nietzsche, I question my thoughts and actions. We are not our thoughts only how we act on them, mold them… this is the truest representation of who we are.  Our brain automatically shoots them off like suggestions on how to take action.  Of course emotions can be a very convincing force on how we decide.  I am one of those that is emotionally driven. So I know how strong the pull can be.  I can only know someone based off their actions in the moment they are with me, never really knowing what thoughts drove them to take such an act.  In that moment they could have acted on a strong will or weak will.  A lot of misunderstanding to go around. We know ourselves from our thoughts and actions. We can try to explain ourselves but actions speak louder than words. Depending on so many variables a person will paint the picture of us based off of their own perceptions of the world.

So can I understand God the same way, by the actions of the people he created? Understanding that Nietzsche didn’t believe in the existence of God.  That said, I believe there are truths to be found in everything, bad or good, right or wrong.  It is up to us individually to determine those truths.  Either we decide for ourselves or have someone tell us what to believe.  I’d rather discover it for myself.  Put all the puzzle pieces together  myself.  I could be on a fools mission but at least I can say I passionately tried, Romanticized a world where there is answers if I seek enough to find.

In cobblestone streets my feet glide. The past waits there silently beneath them. Feeling the slow pulse of the city winding through, around me, encompassing me. A peace, a beautiful stillness, like a past friend coming to greet me after a long distance apart.

The sun and the skies make love to everything it touches, every brick and stone, building tops and the swans that bathe in the rolling canal, this windmill blowing in the bluest of backdrops… and even making love to me.

How rhapsodic this moment did become, how I wanted to steal time in this place. Lose myself and becoming a tail on this mill, spinning and dancing with the wind forever.

But, like every moment it went… but I left my fingerprint on this windmill in Bruges

In back avenues of Avignon my soul has spread, words rolling off my tongue like they’ve tasted liberty for the first time. Wanting all that life could give, ignite all thought, connection, euphoria, ecstasy, happiness, pleasure… maybe even the possibility of love, visions of it.

I wanted to find God dancing around the corner of lost streets where whispers of life could tell me of its meaning. Gazing into the eyes of a stranger, you weren’t there or were you? Another lesson, another experience, trying to understand this stranger even within me. Here this memory is frozen showing only the passage of age, ware and tare, but leaving me changed. Time has clicked its second hand and left only my footprints in this alleyway, forgotten by everyone but me…

Black lava rock splattered with green, reaching out into the horizon. Mountains rising far off in the distance, black sharp silhouettes in the horizon reaching so high as if they were shooting into the heavens. The earth breathing from deep in its belly releasing out into the skies a white pillowing smoke, carrying a pungent smell of sulfur and sea salt.

The black lava rock turned into vast lakes of the purest blues and waterfalls bursting from the mountains’ cracks and crashing with a roar upon the land.  Further and further until glaciers split the mountains, forcing them to give way.  Creating lakes of ice and black sand beaches lining the land, separating it from the rest of the world.

This is the beating heart of the world, feel it pulse and beat with an enormous force.

Harsh beauty, This is Iceland.

Here I am on my last night in the United States for the next 40days.  For years I’ve wanted to backpack through Europe.  Even searched for a career that would allow me to do that very thing.  So, I became a realtor, which would allow me the flexibility to be gone for a long period of time.  Since then, over the last 4yrs, I worked hard to get to the place that I needed to be for this trip.  Finally tomorrow I leave for an adventure of my lifetime.

I’m excited and nervous, high expectations for my life to be changed forever.  Such is my romantic nature always wanting life to swoop me off my feet and open my eyes to all its magical wonderments.  I’m in this constant search for purpose and meaning to this existence, the meaning of life.  I’m driven to be the best version of myself and to find a cure to my less desirable qualities.  Traveling for me seems to be my medicine to the illnesses of life.

Traveling intensely engages all the senses.  Especially in a foreign country.  I’m able to remove myself from the boundaries set by my culture and explore beyond those limits.  And in doing so, find new perspectives, understandings, and insights.  It makes my mind bloom & grow like crazy wild flowers shooting across an endless field.  Especially when engaging with people.  Nothing I like better than getting into someone else’s mind and soul, really seeing them.  Nothing more addictive than a deep meaningful connection.

We are all driven to connect but for me it is somewhat healing.  Everyone I meet helps me understand myself and the world better.  Perhaps it’s my search for God.  We are all pieces of God and maybe the more pieces I collect the better I’ll be able to understand God.  Like puzzle pieces being locked together to see the bigger magnificent picture they create. Within each of those pieces (a connection) there is a lesson to teach me. Big or small, nothing is without meaning or purpose to me. Honestly maybe it’s my way to keep my sanity in this world and try to keep myself fighting for the best within me, to never succumb to the bitterness of life. So a trip like this is the best kind of drug to me, curing.

I look forward to tapping into my love of writing during this trip and sharing my experiences, ideas, thoughts.  I think it will be very cathartic.  Just opening myself up to all the possibilities that the future might bring me.  Openly embracing this roller coaster life.  Here I come Iceland!